Making sense.

There is a difference between making love and making sense, and one of my least favorite things about the human race is that we never seem to understand that. If our life isn't picture perfect we focus on the fact that we're alone. But, are we really? I've touched earlier in the blog about friendships, about family, about loving oneself. I can't possibly believe that any of us are really alone. And, if that is the case, can we not find solace in the fact that people care?

"If I do not find my love, I will be incomplete."

I will not deny that I worry about not having someone to experience the butterfly filled feelings of romance, however, I refuse to believe that my problems could be solved by discovering someone else.

Yes, life - as a whole, is a big mess of impossibilities, but making sense of it by using other people, such as using medicine, will not pass.

Love, can mask pain, it can help (and I stress help) aid it, it can cause it, but I cannot see it being the end all be all. Not anymore.

I'd rather make sense than make love.

Dinkum

I remember when I used to sit in that shed and think that these kids were the best people in the world. I couldn't imagine having a better friend than Naaman, although he and I, despite the time we shared and how much we relied on each other, were never really "best" friends. There was always an in between. I remember thinking that I had stumbled upon the funniest group of guys that any girl would ever have the pleasure of knowing. I remember thinking those days would last forever.

But they didn't last forever. Naaman left America and shortly before that I stopped spending endless days in the shed, partially because I grew apart from the guys and partially because it was infested with bugs and I couldn't stand the smell of stale weed and cigarettes. But truth be told, it wasn't the most painful thing that ever could have happened. People grow apart.

The past few weeks I've been wondering to myself how much I really belong in the Lehigh Valley, how much I should really keep in contact with the people I associate with home. And, in all honesty, I think that I'm growing a lot faster than I intended to. All I can think about is graduating and starting my life in New York City, like... really starting it.

I was young when Dinkum was my end all be all, and I am still young, sitting in a recording studio with 5 guys who I think are hilarious, and who I have a great time with. But, this time, I don't think that I am "the luckiest girl in the world." Hell, they're great and I have fun with them but my own life is beginning and I'm sick of living according to what my friends are doing.

I do not belong in podunk. I do not belong in excess. I do not belong in 6th wheel. I do not belong in taking care of you. I do not belong in your shadow. I belong in mine. I belong with never ending streets at the tips of my toes. And I am going to make it, I am going to prove you wrong. I am going to build my life so well, you won't even know who I am. And then, who will be looking longingly?

I've gotten off track.

For so long I have used other people as my scapegoat.
I will be my own.

2009

I suppose I should write my first blog of the new year... but the truth is that I don't know what to say. My heart has been torn between light and heavy the past week or so that I've been back in Pennsylvania. Things are always good, and things are usually also bad. And I'm finding it harder and harder for me to imagine A. being able to actually think of something to write besides writing about why I can't write, or B. leaving all these people behind again.

What is even harder is that I've learned a lot about love and friendship since I've been home. I think it's funny that that is what I'm always learning about, but I never learn anything I can easily apply to life. And I'm trying very hard to show my teachers (my friends) what they've taught me, but I feel like it will land on deaf ears so I sit here struggling to write out my thoughts with out getting too personal, because no one likes a name dropper.

The truth is that I know I want to go back to New York, I know that I want to speed through this learning and start my life in an apartment the size of my bedroom here, with only WiFi and an open window to keep me company. That would be fine with me. I want to walk out into the brisk air and see a friendly face who's hand links in mine.

I want to grow old with these people by my side. However I know only a few will last, and I know that my heart is once again moving too fast because I have never once seen such blurred places.

I hate to fight for the past present and future all at once... but I'm not sure how else to fight at all.










In other news, I have a slinky.

It's Christmas Eve...

And I've finished putting up and decorating the tree, I've finished preparing and wrapping presents and letters, and now I'm sitting in the dark waiting for my two best friends to arrive to celebrate the holiday, as my parents aren't usually in the winter solstice spirit.

I've only been home for a few days and I'm realizing a lot. My Grandmother is often worried about me because of how invested I am into my friendships back home, because I think she thinks they bring me down or keep me from building relationships with new people. But, after being home and missing so many people from Hofstra and feeling very much at home in the comforting arms of my friends, I feel, no, I know, I can balance both worlds.

The truth is, Bethlehem is what made me. I wouldn't be half the woman I am today if it wasn't for these icy winter streets and the availability of my friends being here in 15 minutes. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for learning my parents personalities inside and out, or if I hadn't seen my friends go through half the things they did, if I didn't go through half the things I did.

I have every intention of moving away from Bethlehem, however, I also promise myself that I will come back, because losing this, losing who I am, would be like losing my family.

The house smells like chicken soup, and soon it will smell like the fireplace.
I cannot wait to grow up and see this whole town in a different light, because I feel I'm still seeing it through the eyes of a 4 year old little girl, who didn't know much more than the snow that toppled over her head.



Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Wonderful Winter.


"I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
it's always you in my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
no, could you let me go
I didn't think so

and you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
and it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

I had these dreams, in them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But damn it you're so young
But I don't think I care
and if I hurt you then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said?
what you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
Hey, You know, you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
with all these fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you

I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no No,
And then you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
I know you miss me in your living room
Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

...My Konstantine."



"Hey, when I think about all my time and all my struggle
Through all my grindin’ and all my troubles
Man I came up from nothin’ , all I had was a hustle
With a blindfold tryin’ to find pieces to the puzzle, no muzzle
I tell it like it is, that’s that, right or wrong, I’mma call it how I see it
Don’t forget that impossible is nothin’, your environment is irrelevant
Just don’t let your emotions over power your intelligence
Refuse to give up, your mistakes don't define you
they dont dictate where you headin’, they remind you
That time keeps tickin’, let your mind keep clickin’
Never stop thinkin’, be aware of your decision
Everywhere the collisions
And the potholes hidden in the road that you travel on your lifelong mission
Just listen everyday like a snap shot is taken, if you live you could learn if you just be patient

‘Cause life is like a slide show
And all the places I go
And all the things that I know
Through all the highs and lows
‘Cause life is like a slide show
And all the things that I’ve seen
And all the things that I dream
You can’t take away from me
‘Cause life is like a slide show

‘Cause when I look back at a fly young cat
Who could rap with a dream, look where I took that
Beginning on bankhead, then I spread out
Vision in my head, all I had to do is to get it out
When I walked out of my house, and look at my street
All I see is the opportunity that lead me to truancy
I ain’t really have a role model to influence me
Uncle (someone?) they said next its gonna be you in it
As a juvenile caught cases so fluently look at my life and learn from it, don’t do it
If I only knew back then what I know now, how much better life would have been if I'da slowed down
Maybe I'da been Kanye, instead of seeing gunplay
But god got a plan, I’ll understand one day,
but one day of life like a snap shot is taken,
if you believe you can make it have faith be patient

‘Cause life is like a slide show
And all the places I go
And all the things that I know
Through all the highs and lows
‘Cause life is like a slide show
And all the things that I’ve seen
And all the things that I dream
You can’t take away from me
‘Cause life is like a slide show
Looking back on my life time
See the slides go by, trying to wonder why
Looking back at where I’ve been
I remember when, you remember

‘Cause life is like a slide show
And all the places I go
And all the things that I know
Through all the highs and lows
‘Cause life is like a slide show
And all the things that I’ve seen
And all the things that I dream
You can’t take away from me
‘Cause life is like a slide show
‘Cause life is like a slide show
‘Cause life is like a slide show
‘Cause I see, cause I dream, life is like a slide show"

Psst.

I have a secret for the post, and I think I may just write it.
I have a secret for the post, and I may just send it in.


You'll wonder if you know my handwriting well enough to know which one is mine.
But you didn't.
And you don't.
And you never will.



Marry Christmas Baby, I'm home.

The gift of beauty

It is exactly a month until my birthday... and last night I probably got the present of a lifetime.



Yesterday my friends and I were in the city for a class requirement. Afterwards, we walked around going to a few of my new favorite places, and I begged them to could go to Strawberry Fields. Little did I realize, that it was December 8th, the anniversary of John Lennon's death.

Around 8 o'clock, as we were walking to Central Park in the cloak of the night, I swore I heard music. I asked the girls if they heard it too, "I'm humming," Johanna replied. But, when we stopped for a moment we realized that there really was singing, and the sweet sound of guitars coming at us from the left. We turned and looked, and low and behold, the memorial of John Lennon's death. A wave of sadness and excitement crashed over me. I was brought up on the Beatles, my mother and I love to sing along to almost any song of theirs we hear (although, with my mother and I, when aren't we singing?). I sang "In My Life" and "Let it Be" to my late Great Grandmother when she'd ask me to sing for her. This meant something.

Liz, Johanna and I walked up to the crowd, and soon found ourselves nestled in the crowd of people whose voices and bodies acted as a second layer of warmth to our thoroughly frosted selves. We talked to people, we sang louder than I think I've ever sung in public. I made a new friend, and we made it up to the front row.

I swear the moments where we were asked to have the two silences, my heart stood still. As I watched Yoko Ono blow out the candle from her apartment, we began to sing Imagine. Of all the songs we sang that night in a group I didn't think that would be the one to really get me. Of course I teared (alright, more than teared) at the two songs I hold so close (In My Life and Let it Be). But somewhere between the drunken man next to us screaming "Play Happy Christmas!" after every song, and later on, my favorite flub up "Play My Guitar Weeps Quietly!" (hehe), and the voices of this crowd of people reaching far past where I could ever imagine my voice reaching, I cried. I did so quietly, and to myself, hoping my new found friends wouldn't see me, but I let every sadness I've felt in the last few months pour out of me into my mourning.

There is no such thing as a lack of beauty in any moment, any breath. I cannot possibly bear to let myself forget the feeling of togetherness I felt with these strangers. I cannot let myself fall prey to any kind of sour feeling in my heart. I plan on remembering this first memorial I attended (trust me, we will be going again next year, and I plan on every year after that), as long as I can.

This is the second post I've dedicated to an admirable person passing on, but I don't know how else to end this.

RIP, John Lennon. It was proven last night you will never be forgotten.

RIP

I remember in 2005 my dad took me to a concert at the Keswick Theatre. It was a tribute to our friend Pete Seeger and a benefit for Sing Out!, my father's magazine. Many performers graced that stage that night, including Pete, and I am proud to call them part of my community. That night, I saw Odetta in concert. She had so much presence, and her voice was that of civil rights, of change. I find myself feeling guilty, that I've never seen my mother perform with this woman, whose spirit and life touched so many.

I have never been so proud of the community my parents call their family and friends, and the community I hope to be able to embrace as graciously as it has embraced me. I have been so very lucky to be around minds and hearts such as Odetta's and Pete's and Tom's and Priscilla's, and Cindy's and my Mother's, and everyone who I have (even if it was reluctantly), watched wide eyed as they painted stories on stage.

I only hope to be so lucky as to meet more people like this in my life, and do everything in my power to make a difference.

RIP Odetta, Your light and spirit will be missed, my thoughts are with you.
December 30th 1930 - December 2nd 2008