I remember when I used to sit in that shed and think that these kids were the best people in the world. I couldn't imagine having a better friend than Naaman, although he and I, despite the time we shared and how much we relied on each other, were never really "best" friends. There was always an in between. I remember thinking that I had stumbled upon the funniest group of guys that any girl would ever have the pleasure of knowing. I remember thinking those days would last forever.
But they didn't last forever. Naaman left America and shortly before that I stopped spending endless days in the shed, partially because I grew apart from the guys and partially because it was infested with bugs and I couldn't stand the smell of stale weed and cigarettes. But truth be told, it wasn't the most painful thing that ever could have happened. People grow apart.
The past few weeks I've been wondering to myself how much I really belong in the Lehigh Valley, how much I should really keep in contact with the people I associate with home. And, in all honesty, I think that I'm growing a lot faster than I intended to. All I can think about is graduating and starting my life in New York City, like... really starting it.
I was young when Dinkum was my end all be all, and I am still young, sitting in a recording studio with 5 guys who I think are hilarious, and who I have a great time with. But, this time, I don't think that I am "the luckiest girl in the world." Hell, they're great and I have fun with them but my own life is beginning and I'm sick of living according to what my friends are doing.
I do not belong in podunk. I do not belong in excess. I do not belong in 6th wheel. I do not belong in taking care of you. I do not belong in your shadow. I belong in mine. I belong with never ending streets at the tips of my toes. And I am going to make it, I am going to prove you wrong. I am going to build my life so well, you won't even know who I am. And then, who will be looking longingly?
I've gotten off track.
For so long I have used other people as my scapegoat.
I will be my own.