Wednesday, November 26, 2008


It's relevant, and I'm in it, just watch.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Smiling Eyes

There's a certain smell that always gets me. It reminds me so much of the times when we used to sit in my room and laugh for hours. It does not make me wonder what it would be like if you had never moved, it just reminds me of how it used to feel to be a child. And I like that.

One thing that I've always envied are eyes that look like they're smiling. Sometimes, when I say hello to someone it's not their face that tells me "I'm glad to see you too," it is their eyes. There is some light behind the eyes of these lucky people that just shows their happiness. And I wish so much that someone sees that in my eyes too.

I've never thought that I had those eyes. My eyes are so dark that I feel like no matter how much power I push through them no one will see the joy I feel. So I laugh a lot, and I smile as hard as I can, and then they know.

You have those smiling eyes, friend, and I cannot wait for the day that I can see them again. You are so far away but know that you will always be my brother no matter the time between us talking. And I love you. And sometimes, it is the thought of you that helps me make my decisions.

This post is not well written, nor understandable, but for me, it is everything I'm feeling. And I am so happy that I have found that smell again, along with smiling eyes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Accept LOVE.
It is the only truth in life.
Why deny others access to truth?
Why put rules on love?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

3, 2, 1.... Go.

I'm mainly posting this because I'm avoiding studying for my midterm, because I'm tired, stressed, and really don't feel well.

Last night was one of those nights, where everything goes wrong. My arthritis was acting up, I had a headache, and I was sad.

I was thinking about depression last night, and about how maybe it really is the sole route of most people's problems. Ever wonder why you get sick the day before a big test you've been stressing about? Why after 2 mental health days it turns out you need an ACTUAL health day?

The thing is, is that locking yourself in your room and crying all night isn't going to make the difference in your mood. You need to get yourself out of bed, and out into the sun. Wake up, and do something, eat for god sake. And I don't mean the bag of milanos under your pillow.

Depression is debilitating, trust me, I know. But something I'm slowly learning that not many people know is... you can beat it. Without the pills, with out the therapy. There are of course extreme cases, where you really do need those things, but at the end of the day it is you who has control of your emotions.

People who are happy all the time are happy all the time because they have made life decisions that make them that way, if you don't like the color of your room, and it makes you sad, clear out your shit, get some paint, have some friends over, and CHANGE IT. If you don't like where you are or what you are doing, CHANGE IT. Oh I know the response is going to come "but Tamlyn, sometimes you really are stuck someplace." Okay. So you're really stuck someplace, because of an obligation you made, or money problems, what is the point of sitting and wallowing? If you can't change where you are, change your attitude. Go into every day like it's going to be the best day of your life. You're going to work harder, laugh harder, talk louder, be smarter, than the day before. If something brings you down, this isn't to say that you can't take a moment and be sad, but for god sakes if you're going to be sad - LOOK at why you are sad. Figure it out, and if it is in your control, fix it, if it isn't... here is a novel idea... GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

Life is going to throw curve balls at us, and a lot of the time, they're going to get us down rather than pick us up. But instead of sitting and thinking "Where have I gone wrong? What did I do to deserve this?" start WALKING and thinking "Where have I gone right? If I did something wrong, how can I rectify it? How do I change the path that I am currently taking?"

On that note, I will be applying for transfer to NYU. It's a leap, hell, it's a HUGE jump... but I think that I would be overall happier there, and if it is my surroundings that are bringing me down, I will change them. If it's the people around me, I will shed them. If it is myself, I will be reborn.


(People are really gunna hate me huh? =P)

Monday, November 17, 2008

Quick Update

So, the teacher in question recognized his mistake and made it so our papers were not due until the end of the week, we can e-mail them any time after Wednesday, load off of my mind.

Now all I have to do is study for the final, make a power point tonight, and tomorrow, study just the same. Then after class on Wednesday work on the paper at the office and type it up when I get home. Oh! The length was also changed, it is not 8 pages DOUBLE spaced, instead of single. Bless his angel soul.

I want to clear up my opinion about this man, as much as I doubt his dedication to the teaching profession, I am very certain he cares about the students. He is not a bad man in any regard, and what he lacks in the teaching gene, he soars at in his research and work on stem cells. I do not doubt his passion for the subject matter, nor his passion for getting people to agree with him, I only doubt if he is made for this profession that requires a certain amount of care and availability. My previous post made it seem as if I disliked him as a person, which is not the case, I just dislike his style of teaching.

I have about 25 minutes before I go into work, where I will do nothing except wait for something to do, and then end up doing nothing, because there is rarely anything to do. I'm a bit concerned because I'm not 100% sure where my paychecks are going, because I haven't received a single one. I should probably get on that.

I can't wait to have a bit of extra time, so I can throw myself back into my writing. I miss so much the days where I can sit and look at the shambles that are currently my play. I've been avoiding admittance that I'm stuck in a vortex for a while by consuming myself in poetry, but at the end of the day it really is the lives of Theo and Amanda that pull at my brain. I am so stuck at realizing why they are losing their words, or why it is their story and not someone else's. All I know is that there is something about these two characters I've created that I can't let go of. They have a story to tell I just don't know what it is yet.

In my playwrighting class I remember being told I can't be afraid to hurt them. I'm trying so much to push them to the limits they need to jump, but for some reason the text is getting lost in that struggle. I sit and stare at my scribbled corrections on the hard copy script and I honestly can barely understand what I meant by "no." or "NOT RIGHT!" I know when I made the notes I knew exactly what I needed to change, but after waiting so long, I feel like the reason I started writing this is lost in the fog. All I remember about the process was that I haven't lost Amanda's monologue. It was the first thing that came to me as I was sleeping and a woke up and wrote it down right away. It stemmed the entire piece. I don't know what I wanted it to say. I don't know what the story is anymore. I refuse to just throw it aside but my epiphany simply isn't coming.

I asked two of my former classmates to help dramaturge the play, but for some reason it doesn't seem to click. Their answers look like gibberish to me, and I know that it's not their intention, they really took time reading and e-mailing a response from states away, but my mind simply cannot comprehend what I wanted to change, or what needs to change.

I write because I want to be that person who takes someones breath away. I want to take my own breath away. This is a completely selfish and immature reasoning, but I don't know how else to acheive the peace that my sore typing fingers need. If I don't write I feel unaccomplished, no matter what I clean or sing or watch or how much homework I do, it's writing that calms my mind day after day. And perhaps being selfish is the only reason any of us do anything, but it makes me sad for my writing. I want to write for others but I seem to be only writing for myself.

I really wish I could just sit down and have all the poetry that I work on form itself into the plot of Amanda and Theo. But it's not, nearly a year later I am not even close to finding a resolution, and it's eating away at me.

I have 15 minutes before class...

I suppose this will be the only time I have to update today because I have class, then a meeting, then work till 5, and last night at 11, I finally got that final paper assignment emailed to me, so I'll be working on that. Oh! And a lab too! That doesn't get assigned until today.

Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that when my mind and my heart don't want to do something, I feel sick. For instance, I feel sick sitting here in this empty classroom, because I'd much rather be sleeping due to the fact that last night I couldn't fall asleep because I felt sick thinking about today. I was up until 2 in the morning watching crap TV, I know I know, TMZ is not a good way to make myself tired, but I tried! Celebrity gossip (if you could even call that junk that comes out of that show gossip...) does not make you tired folks! And they get you by putting up your favorite celebrity and then cutting to commercial so you have to wait for more.

I waited about 15 minutes for Guy Fieri. And then after that, I watched some Iron Chef until it was getting ridiculous and I needed to sleep.

I've been doing that a lot lately, not sleeping, and it's becoming a severe problem. I don't know if it's because I'm always thinking, or feel like I have something to do, because it's definitely not that I'm not tired. I'm exhausted, all the time. But for some reason sleep just won't come. I think that maybe I need that pill that "dissolves fast for quick rest, and then the second half dissolves slowly to keep you asleep," but at the same time there could be some very simple reason for my lack of sleep.

Things were easier in the beginning of this year when I used to meditate, maybe I need to start doing that again, in order to finally rest.

In the meantime, I should sign off and put my brain into class mode. Wednesday is the last day of this god forsaken class and I couldn't be happier.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Love, and Truth.

Fourth post in one day, mainly because I decided to stay in this Sunday.

In my 18 years, I have had the pleasure of falling in love a million times, with family, with friends, with myself. I think that the concept of love is often lost on those without hope and trust in their hearts. Love is not about what the other person can give you but what they can make you, and what you can give them. I have been lucky enough to grow up with an old soul and a naive heart. (I will admit that.) I have always seen the best in everyone and believed that they would see the best in me, and lord knows how many times that has come to bite me in the ass (or maybe better said, in the heart.) But, after all of these surprises people throw at me, I refuse to lose hope.

I think that if my Grandmother can stick by my Grandfather's side as he loses his mind to dementia, if my Pop Pop can hold my Grammy's hand through the surgery to get her tumor removed and her recuperation, if my Aunt can find someone on the INTERNET who changes the life of her and her children in the course of one year, if friends can remain through the most tumultuous of break ups, if my parents can stay together through the constant traveling. If after 10 years my best friend still stands by my side day after day, if a child can forgive the parent who neglected them, if at 90 years old a women drives down the street and honks in praise for a group of people protesting for equality, if that group of people can even come together with never knowing each other and protest for that equality. If all that can happen, then true love must exist, because none of that can happen without love in people's hearts.

There is nothing more true than love. There is nothing that fuels love more than the truth.

(Also, yesterday at the protest this man drove by us and said "Look at my license plate!" and when we did, it read this:


it may seem silly, but the whole day yesterday brought tears of joy to my eyes. There is hope.)


I find it astounding that the teachers here have such an indifference even towards their own curriculum.
I am currently in a class delving into the social and medical implications behind embryonic stem cell (ESC) research. While I am extremely interested in the subject matter and put myself in full force, I still struggle due to the scientific nature of the class, but I believe that I demonstrate my commitment. I am usually one of the few people who do the reading and discuss it the next day, I work hard on my papers and turn them in on time, when he asks for help outside of class I am usually willing to do some extra research for him and send him a speedy e-mail. Although, I am beginning to wonder why I do such a thing. Mainly because when it comes time for this teacher to help his students, he is extremely lax. This is my first college science course, and coming from a performing arts high school, my science has never been especially strong, so when I have questions concerning my papers, he tells me to e-mail them. And I do, usually around the 3pm or 4pm time mark, and when do my one sentence not so clear answers appear? 9:30pm. Which makes it so if I have asked an imperative question to my report, I need to pull an all nighter in something I could have finished hours before.

This weekend brought a new sense of frustration with this man, when Thursday he informed us he'd e-mail us Tuesday's assignment in an hour, so we'd have the whole weekend to work on it. (Side note, he'd asked us for input on what our final paper should be, and I, presumably, was the only student to hand in input.) It is now Sunday evening and I have sent countless e-mails to my professor asking whether or not he was going to email us our assignment. Neither myself nor any of my classmates have received a response.

I attended a school where teachers care, and not only did they care, they also made sure to follow through with their promises. I am just extremely frustrated by the fact that my teacher has single handedly hindered the grades of every single one of our papers by giving us one night to complete them.

8 pages single spaced.

I'm beginning to wonder if every teacher should be required to take a "I actually care about my job," test. Fuckers.

An explanation...

For my first REAL post I suppose I'll explain where my URL title came from.

My senior year of high school I was in a playwrighting class led by JC Lee, (You can find his blog at, I highly recommend it). We constantly had class debates about the beauty of destruction. I completely understood what Justin was talking about when he spoke about seeing the beauty in everything, including undeniable destruction. One day, while sitting in my study hall, I had a good friend show me a documentary about a place in Northern Ukraine (formerly the Soviet Union), which had been struck with a nuclear disaster in 1986. After the radiation began, everyone was commanded to leave their homes behind, leave everything. 22 years later we see some of the most unbelievable beauty coming through. Homes, sports stadiums, amusement parks, and basically everything in the area has gone into remission, the earth is reinstalling itself, nature has taken over this run down city. I may sound crazy calling this beauty, but you'd have to see it for yourself, the documentary is so much more breath taking than the pictures I am about to post, but in the same breath, the pictures have more life and death in them than I can imagine.


I believe that in this world all we can do is look for beauty or a glimpse of hope in every step we make or see. There is no telling what we can learn from the greatest disasters of our time, and learn we will, if we appreciate the story and the life behind them.

The things we hear and see are not just stories, are not just occurances that plagued a group that does not include us. This is the human race, this is our earth and our world and recognizing the eerie beauty and lesson behind every act of kindness or hatred.

Just think, through a disaster, through abandonment, this city's nature still prevailed. It's as if the life came back full force through this Chernobyl disaster. Chernobyl grows.

(Chernobyl was the title of the nuclear power plant located in the Soviet Union, not the specific place it affected.)

First of Many...

So I've been an avid Xanga user for about 7 years, with the same account and updating at least once a day. After careful thought and consideration (and a little push from my good friend LA.SH (Tri-Colour Cookie), you can find him in my followers section, he does music reviews), I've decided to part from my ever giving xanga community, for as much as I love reading and getting updated with the news of the xangian community, I just wasn't getting the response I hoped for. I wished (silently) for a few more readers, and while I'll continue posting there for more personal and journal-esque issues, the majority of my blogging energy will be focused here.

I'd also like to shamelessy plug my YouTube account, please subscribe, comment, and recommend.
(Currently the majority of vlogs are just fucking around, but two of them actually have valuble content. Hah.)

The first REAL blog will be posted later this evening. Thanks to all.

(By 7 years I definitely meant 4. It's just felt like 7.)